a monthly newsletter from Traci Duez & Break Free Consulting
because Success happens Head First!
Roles Are Holes
Role playing is hard
work. Have you ever noticed that?
Take a moment to
observe how you interact with other people. You may
detect changes in your attitude, behavior, and speech
depending on who you are interacting with. When you talk
to a child, or when you talk to a server in a
restaurant, do you speak differently? How about when you
talk to your boss or when you talk to the janitor?
When you walk into a store or the post office or the
department of motor vehicles you may act differently
than when you walk into your home or attend your kid's
ballgame.
Why is that? Well,
simple... you are playing roles. You are becoming the
person you think you should be in that situation.
Your mind has developed an idea about how you should
behave in the situation. In that case, you are NOTbeing yourself.
Playing Your Roles
So, you might have just had the
thought, "of course I act differently in different
situations". You can't act like a teacher when you are
a customer in the store. You can't act like you're the
owner of the business when you're just an employee.
You can't act like a project manager when you're the CEO.
You can't act like a child when you're the parent. Of course
we act differently in different situations.
Really? Why is that? Think
about it. In
each of these instances, why can't you just be you?
Why do you have to 'act' at all? Where do these expectations
come from? (The Good
Fairy or the Dark Fairy? - to repeat a phrase we
discussed in a previous newsletter.)
Many times you completely forget
about your intrinsic nature, your being, because you are so
focused on your extrinsic nature. How often do you see
yourself as a 'human doing'? You have this image or concept
that your mind has created (or accepted) about how you
should act in each specific situation in your life.
If you live in America or
another free country, you should appreciate the freedom that
you have to choose. You no longer live within a "class
system". In civilizations where liberty is not a birthright,
certain functions are allotted to certain people. You
are a 'born' ruler, priest, warrior, farmer, craftsman,
laborer, merchant, and so on. In a free country, your
function in this world, which would have been a matter of your
birth, does not have to be your role.
Your Role Holes
Today social structures are less
rigid and less clearly defined. Yet, you still create these
roles in your own mind and firmly place yourself into them. What do these roles look like? Your roles can fall into a number of categories:
Functions: As we've discussed, the role you
choose can be based on the functions you fulfill. You
can be a parent, a child, a sibling, a leader, a
follower, etc.
Beliefs & Values: The role you choose can be
based on your beliefs... your religion, your political
affiliations, the causes you support. You may be a
Christian, Hindu, Muslim, etc. Or a Democrat,
Republican, Libertarian, Independent. Or an animal
rights activist, MADD member, 'green' supporter.
Emotional: Happiness and "Just Fine", are
roles that you may play. You hide behind a smiling,
positive façade, while truly you feel discouraged,
frustrated, or disappointed.
Circumstances: You can find yourself playing
the hero or the villain... the lover or the fighter...
the victor or the victim.
In all of these instances, you
are defining yourself through a role... putting yourself in
a hole that limits your 'being'. Your "role hole" is
the pit that limits your intrinsic (infinite) nature.
Being YOU
As someone who umpires
Little League baseball games, I have the privilege
of seeing others identify themselves by their role
during the baseball games.
There are managers
who think that they are playing the role of
Major
League manager. When things go wrong, they'll
criticize the umpires for making a bad call.
Some will rant and rave along the dugout, make
comments under their breath, stomp out onto the
field in disgust. Is that really helpful in
their function as a Little League manager? Nope. As a matter
of fact, it's hurtful on many levels. But it
sure helps their mind live up to the expectation
of "manager".
There are parents
who think that they are the protectors.
Sure, part of the function of being a parent is
to look after the needs of a child, prevent
them from getting into danger. However, some
parents become that identity and their sense of
self is largely caught up in the role so they
become overprotective. These are the parents
that blame the umpire when little Johnny doesn't
get the called strike. They tell Johnny that the
umpire robbed him and that it wasn't his fault.
Is that really helpful to Johnny or anyone else?
Nope. As a matter of fact, it's hurtful. But, it
helps them to feel good about living up to their
mental image of how a parent protects their kid.
There are, of
course, the 9 - 12 year old players.
(Isn't that funny that we call them players and
not participants?) These "players" are fulfilling
their roles just as they've seen on T.V. They
think that they have to spit, and be
disrespectful to the umpires, coaches, etc. They
go through the routine of their favorite Major
Leaguer and try to act as one. They even throw
their bats and helmets when they get called out
on strikes. Is that really aligned with the
purpose of their participation? Nope. But it
sure does help them measure up to the
expectation that was created for them in their
own minds.
Oh, and of course,
there the umpires.
They play the role of enforcer. Sometimes, they
forget that it's kids that are participating,
though. They make loud, obnoxious "OUT" or
"STRIKE THREE" calls so that they "look" the part.
They seem to overlook the fact that they just
screamed into the face of a child and made them
cry. Sure, they played their role, but was it
really helpful? Nope. But, it sure did show that
9 year old how well Mr. Umpire could live up to
the image of enforcer.
Can you fulfill the
function of a parent, manager, player or umpire
without being one? Of course, you can. You
can just 'be' YOU while 'doing' those tasks.
The real, authentic YOU,
as we've discussed before, is an infinite being.
Sure, you perform various extrinsic jobs in your
world which you can and should do just as long as,
in your mind, you don't become or play that
role.
When you "play" a role,
you are not being true to the person you were
created to be. You are living outside of your integrity.
WHAT? Did I just accuse you of not living with
integrity?! Did your mind give you a
thought like, "How dare you accuse me of such a
thing? It's not like I lie, cheat, steal,
or kill anyone."
Really? It's so amazing
how creative our unobserved mind can behave... how
deceptive it can be in its creation of assumptions about
itself.
When you are untrue to
YOU and your intrinsic nature, you are lying
to yourself and those you interact with. You are
disingenuous and only letting others see your
make-believe self (that your role "requires" you to
be.) You are
cheating and deceiving others under an imaginary
guise of self-protection or self-promotion. You are robbing and
stealing your world of your infinite, unique,
irreplaceable gifts by keeping them concealed behind
the role's image that your mind thinks you
should
play. And, whether your mind will let you believe it or
not, you have killed your ability to be YOU
for that irretrievable moment in time.
Consider
These Things....
Which roles
or titles
in your life do you most identify with?
Are you
a business owner, corporate executive or leader
that only identifies with your 'numbers'
(your P&L, your balance sheet)?
Are you
a parent that finds your self-worth in the
success or perceived 'goodness' of your kids?
Are you
an employee that only identifies with the dollar
amount
on your paycheck or the title on your desk?
Are you
the leader or manager that drives people to do
more, more, more? or is your identity
wrapped up in being liked by everyone and
avoiding conflict?
Are you
a spouse that keeps score? Should your partner
be doing more things for you because you always
do for them? Are they
not doing their 'fair' share?
Are you
the good church-goer who has to be happy in
front of the congregation? Do you
pretend to follow the rules?
Newsflash:
You are not your numbers! You are not a
business owner, you own a business. You are the CEO,
you lead a company. You are not your
kids! You do, however, parent them. You are not your title! You are a
person who performs the tasks of someone with that
title. You are not
your success! You are not the rules!
You are YOU!
The more you
identify with roles, the more inauthentic you
will be in your relationships. Did you get that? The more you identify with and define yourself by your roles, the more
inauthentic you will be in your relationships.
When you are
acting, you are inauthentic. Every role you play is
fictitious, yes, imaginary. Through these roles, everything
becomes distorted and corrupted by your mind-made
"mini me" for whatever role you are playing.
If I can go back to
umpiring... One of the things that I try
to do when umpiring is be me. What does
that mean? First of all, while I'm all dressed
up in my spiffy uniform, I know that I am still
a human being first. And, believe it or not, I make
mistakes. Occasionally, if I make a bad call on
a batter... say, I called a high strike that
should've been a ball. The next time he comes
up to bat, I might say, "Hey, sorry about that
high strike last time. My bad." Why do I say
that? Well, 1) because it's the truth, 2)
because I want him to know that I know I made a
mistake, and 3) I don't want him to swing at a
bad pitch this time at bat because of my past
mistake. I feel that to be true to who I am, I
need to be fair to the batter. One might
ask, "Doesn't that undermine your authority as
an umpire"? Well, maybe, if I thought I was an
umpire, but I'm not! I'm just umpiring... fulfilling
that function. In reality, I've found that I am
more respected and admired for being authentic
than I ever would be for "acting like an umpire".
Climbing Out of Your Role Holes
Are you able
to see the instances in your life where you identify
with your role instead of who are you?
Is it hard to
separate who you are from your roles? Many people
say they have a hard time 'finding themselves'. They
ask "How can I be myself?" Or they say "I don't know
who I am." Is that you?
Knowing who
you are is simply another expectation. Where did it
come from? More importantly, how can you stop it?
Here are some helpful suggestions:
Be aware
of your roles and how you identify with them.
Are you fulfilling the function or living in
the role hole? Are you limiting yourself by a
wall of expectations based on tasks you are to
perform?
Give up
defining yourself - to yourself and to others.
Sure, you can tell someone what you do, but
don't say "I am a project manager" when what
you really mean is that "I manage projects."
Give up
the expectation of 'knowing who you are'. Learn
to be completely comfortable with notknowing who you are. Your finite (extrinsic)
mind will never be able to find the words to
define the infinite (intrinsic) you.
Understand that you are neither inferior nor
superior to anyone. True self-esteem,
self-motivation and true
humility come from that realization. Top
leaders, as researched by Jim Collins in Good
to Great, blend extreme personal humility
with intense personal will (esteem).
Know that
you are most powerful, most effective, most
influential when you are completely YOU.
When you
think about all the people that
you've actually met, whom do you admire the most?
What traits do they have? In most cases, you will
find that at the core, these folks are real, genuine
and authentic. They are who they are regardless of
where they are or what tasks they are performing.
What would
your life be like if you could be the real YOU...
real, genuine and authentic?
It's Back to School Time
So, the kids are heading
back to school soon... what about you? Are you
setting a good example? Are you educating
yourself?
If not, take a step in
the right direction today!
First,
try the free assessment
and consultation offered to the right. This will
help you become aware of
the thoughts and expectations that keep you from
being the real YOU.
When reviewing your
confidential
assessment results online, you will want to take a look at
your Role Awareness 'advisor'. Do you have any bars
that are out of balance (yellow or red)?
August 13, 2008
Suncoast PMI - Clearwater, FL Feather Sound Ctry Club
2201 Feather Sound
Dr.
Clearwater, FL
(727) 573-5666
August 21, 2008
PMI Houston Workshop & Coaching Alphacourt
1885 St James Place
Houston, Texas 77055 (713)662-9768 If you're in
Houston, REGISTER for THIS TODAY!
You don't have to be a member of PMI to attend!
"There comes a point in many people's lives when they can no longer
play the role they have chosen for themselves. When that
happens, we are like actors finding that someone has changed the
play."
- Brian Moore
"The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really
are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your
sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in
exchange, put on a mask. There can't be any large-scale
revolution until there's a personal revolution, on and
individual level. It's got to happen inside first. You can take
away a man's political freedom and you won't hurt him- unless
you take away his freedom to feel. That can destroy him. That
kind of freedom can't be granted. Nobody can win it for you."
- Jim Morrison
"Man's role is uncertain, undefined, and perhaps unnecessary."
- Margaret Mead
"I am learning to
understand rather than immediately judge or to be judged. I
cannot blindly follow the crowd and accept their approach. I
will not allow myself to indulge in the usual manipulating game
of role creation. Fortunately for me, my self-knowledge has
transcended that and I have come to understand that life is best
to be lived and not to be conceptualized. I am happy because I
am growing daily and I am honestly not knowing where the limit
lies."
-
Bruce Lee
"To be the real YOU. You must distance your true nature, who you
truly are, from what you do. The more distance you create, the
more authentic your relationships, the more fulfilling your
life. "
The powerful business idea is that ‘shifting the
focus from getting to giving is the key to business
success… Explanations of how to employ these concepts
are clear and to the point, and will provoke thought and
hopefully action as well.
Try THIS!
Free Assessment
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FREE 30 minute
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team had done it and they hit their numbers for the first
time in five quarters! I did it, my family did it, and then
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skyrocketed and I have the dollars in my bank account to
prove it! If you are serious about being your best in
both your personal life and in business, you have to do
this, too! It’s just simply amazing!"
Role playing is hard
work. Have you ever noticed that? 
Playing Your Roles
Are you able
to see the instances in your life where you identify
with your role instead of who are you?
