Have you ever done something that you didn't really mean to do? Have you ever reacted negatively and then later thought "Why did I do that?" Have you ever told yourself that "From now on I'm going to..." and then didn't keep the promise to yourself or others? Have you ever reacted to someone only to later find out you didn't have the whole story?

Let's use an example that you may have had or at least seen in the past... You're driving along in traffic, keeping a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, when out of nowhere a car zips up beside you and swerves into the "safe distance" space between you and the car in front of you. This caused you to put on your brakes and re-establish your safe distance.

In that moment, what did you do? Did you cuss, call the person an idiot, or worse? Did you honk your horn? Are you now tailgating the 'idiot' to somehow get back at them? Did your hand fly up into the air with only 4 of your 5 fingers in a fist?

Your Every Day Boogie Man

What just happened? You may say, "That person was driving like a maniac and cut me off!!! Someone could've been killed!"  I have a question... did you react to a truly terrifying and threatening event? Is the above statement accurate? In most cases, probably not. You sort of thought they might cut you off as you saw them racing up in your rearview or side mirror so you really had plenty of time to slow down. (In some cases, you may have actually tried to speed up so that they wouldn't cut in, right?) So, why all the drama? I can tell you why. Because in this incident as well as many others throughout your day, you are NOT reacting to reality; you are reacting to a fairy tale.  This fairy tale is a story that your mind quickly (within milliseconds) created to make 'sense' of what it just perceived. You told yourself a story - maybe it was about right and wrong or what should or should not happen. Your reaction wasn't based on a near tragic collision; it was based on a fairy tale... a story.

Your reaction to this story is not unlike my reaction to the boogie man when the lights went out in my bedroom as a little girl.  My mind would tell me that he was under my bed or in my closet. Sometimes the story that I told myself made me get all the way under my covers so that I could seal him out. You know, because the boogie man, in my mind, wouldn't be able to lift up my blanket, right?

Real Logic

So what REALLY happened in the driving example above? Seriously, ask yourself that question?  Is your 'fairy tale' version the ONLY version of the story or could there quite possibly be others? Let's see:

• maybe the other driver's 'safe' distance is different than your definition of 'safe' distance

• maybe that 'raving lunatic' driver is trying to rush home to a sick or injured family member.

• maybe the driver was late for a flight or an important meeting (and you probably have never cut anyone off because of that, right?)

There are countless logical reasons as to why someone else doesn't behave the way that YOU EXPECT them to behave. One very important logical reason is because THEY are not YOU!  (If they were you, one of you wouldn't be needed.)

Systemic Responses

You have systemic responses like this EVERY DAY - maybe tens, hundreds or even a thousand of times per day. Instead of reacting to reality, you quickly tell yourself a story and react to the Boogie Man!

In almost every reaction to your story, you hijack your amygdala.  An amygdala hijack is a phrase coined by Daniel Goleman in his book, Emotional Intelligence. You see, under a perceived stress or threat, your cognitive mind shuts down because it takes too long to come to a conclusion. Your amygdala (a tiny part of your brain) takes over and almost instantly decides on fight, flight or freeze. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. Two tiny organs near your kidneys pump adrenaline into your bloodstream. Your brain diverts blood from activities that it deems nonessential to high priority tasks such as hitting or running. Large muscles in your arms, legs and back get more blood and those high level reasoning areas of your brain get less.

Not only can an amygdala hijack produce physical signs, it can also produce emotional ones as well... fear, hurt, anger, etc. Do you recognize these reactions to situations in your life?

Reacting to Reality or Fantasy

What really happens? You may think that you are logical and always react to reality, but that simply isn't the truth. Your reaction comes not from the external situation but from your internal thoughts.  It goes something like this:

Experience  Tell yourself a story   Feel (physical or emotional)  React

It is YOUR stories that create your feelings and emotions.  It is your story that explains to you what is going on. It is your story that is interpreting the facts for you. It isn't the behavior or actions of others that are causing your emotions or physiological responses at all - it is the 'boogie man', the fairy tale, your mind's theory of their motives, that you are responding to. How could your reaction be different if you didn't make these assumptions as to their intent and their motives? What if you didn't try to 'figure it all out'? Do you REALLY know their intent behind their actions? (I know your black/white, right/wrong, systemic mind just told you "Of course, I know their motives. Didn't you see what they just did?")

Let's break down your stories.  It usually goes something like this:

1. Your mind implies the intent behind the actions of another person.

2. You dehumanize them by labeling them and/or calling them a name... idiot, maniac, ill-mannered, stupid, a!@hole, etc. (Sometimes you may even be so creative as to combine names, right?)

3. You take offense based on your mind's creativity - the motives that your mind assigned to the action.

4. You react according to your mind's creative story.

Do you recognize this in your life?  "Idiot driver", "Stupid waiter", "Lazy SOB", "Crazy sales clerk"

Take a look at what you've become emotional about today. Look at what has frustrated you, angered you, caused you to feel stressed. Were you stressed because of what happened or your mind's story about what happened?

Did you get a phone call from the boss? Did he complain or criticize your work? What story did you tell yourself? Are you blaming him or you for the criticism?

You see when you have a systemic response, it's one OR the other.  It's a sucker's choice! It's also NOT reality!  There are thousands if not millions of other choices out there, but your mind only gives you two... either / or.  WRONG!  Your systemic mind's interpretation of reality isn't the same as reality.

Mastering Your Stories

Ok, so I identified a problem, now what?  Well, there is a solution. Become a master story-teller!!  IF you take control of your stories, they can't control you. Any set of facts has an infinite number of stories. Try the following steps:

1. Analyze your stories: Take some time each day to relive some of your negative reactions or experiences, but don't relive them as you. Relive them as an unbiased reporter.

2. Separate facts from fantasy: Focus on the actions (not the intent behind them). In our example above, the fact is that someone pulled in front of you into the same lane you were traveling in... you had to touch your brakes slightly. Everyone was ok and no accident occurred. Don't confuse your stories with the facts! Remember, no matter how vividly or strongly your mind creates him, the boogie man isn't real.

3. Watch for emotion-creating words or statements:

   • Judgment words: "Scowled" (fact: eyes squinted and lips tightened), "Smirked" (fact: eyes squinted and one corner of mouth turned up). In these instances, "scowl" and "smirk" imply intent and motive to a physical observation. "He's stupid." "She's lazy."

   • Extreme words: "Always", "Never", "Everybody", "No one", "Everything", "Nothing"

   • "Either / Or": These two words limit your choices to only two.  In reality, you probably have many, many more than that.

   • Assigning blame: "Not my fault", "It's all their fault", "I had not other choice." i.e. the world's fault.

4. Recognize that you have a choice: You can choose to react to the tired old story that your mind gives you out of habit OR you can take control and choose to create new stories. You can be the boss of your mind. It doesn't have to be the boss of you.

5. Practice new stories: Now, in place of your old stories, look for options! Did you assign motive or intent? What other motives are a possibility? The more you practice this the better you will become at listing a whole host of alternative motives. You'll be using your imagination on possibilities instead of problems. Once your creative mind gets used to this, you'll be using it for good instead of, well, the alternatives. You'll be training your mind to react differently the next time a similar situation occurs.

Use your creative, story-telling mind to craft possibilities not limitations... options not ultimatums... positive responses not negative emotions.  YOU can do it. YOU are at choice during these pivotal moments. Sure, it will take practice, but it is not impossible (note: another extreme word).

Do you have a tendency for fairy tales?

Want to know if your mind has a habit of creating fairy tales?  It can be happening and your creative mind can be explaining it away creatively. You can objectively find out. Try this free online assessment and look at your graphs under the Systems Thinking and Self-Direction tabs.  If you see a lot of yellow, orange or red, you may have a few blind spots... you may be telling yourself a few fairy tales and reacting to the boogie man instead of reality. Schedule your free 30 minute consultation. I'd be happy to discuss your specific situations and see if I can help out.

If you already know that you create mental fairy tales and respond to the boogie man, give me a call so that we can discuss how the 6 Advisors™ coaching program can help you change your thinking habits so that you can respond the way that you want to and choose to respond.

Plan for your personal and professional development in 2010!!

I want to encourage you to consider group coaching for 2010. If possible, talk with your managers and supervisors about training funds for next year. You'll need only $1999 for this life-changing 15 week program. (If you'd like one-on-one coaching, it's only $3299.) Be sure that you get your personal / professional development plan in place so that you are ready to get started in January or February of 2010. (Remember, PMP^® certificants earn 20 PDUs upon completion.)

If you'd like more information to present to your manager, please let me know.

As always, I promise that you will forever change your life for the better. (And I don't just say that, I back it up with a guarantee!)

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