The last 2 newsletters I've written have been about the stories the WE tell others and the stories that we tell ourselves. This month I'm going to discuss the stories that others tell us.
As I talk with my clients, I am shocked with how many believe and take to heart the things that others say about them. I know, we as humans value other people and their opinions of us. You try to please other people and live up to their beliefs often at your own expense. Are you a "people-pleaser"? Even if you spout off saying "I don't care what anyone else thinks" (like some teenagers do), it's simply human nature to care. And, chances are there is at least one other person whose opinion of you that you care about. That person may be your spouse or your kids... your boss or your peers... your fellow church-goers or your poker buddies. So what stories are they telling you about you?
Your Beliefs Control Your Destiny
The belief you have in yourself determines everything that you do. Yet many times, you didn't come to that belief yourself. The belief that you have in what you can and cannot do, who you can and cannot be, came from others... your teachers, coaches, parents, pastors, bosses, peers, even the bullies from school. These folks have told you stories about you and you unconsciously believed them.
 You may have heard the story of the young man who fell asleep in his math class. He woke up as the bell rang, looked up at the blackboard, and copied down the two problems that were written there. He assumed they were the homework for the night. He went home and labored the rest of the afternoon and into the evening knowing if he didn't complete the work he would surely fail the class. He couldn't figure out either one but he kept trying for the rest of the week. Finally, he got the answer to one and brought it to class. The teacher was absolutely stunned. The boy feared he had done too little, too late. It turned out the problem he solved was supposedly unsolvable.
How did he do it? He was able to do what was thought to be impossible because he believed it was possible. He not only believed it was possible, he believed that if he didn't solve it he would fail the class. Had he known the problem was "unsolvable" he could never have done it.
Have you looked at your beliefs about you lately?
I often ask clients what they believe are their strengths. After they think for 15-45 seconds, sometimes longer, they usually come up with something. I then ask how do they know that's their strength. Most of the time I'll hear something like "A lot of people tell me that." or "That's consistent in my performance reviews." This is interesting to me because rarely do they say "I've just always enjoyed doing it and have practiced it for <x> amount of time."
The opposite is also true. When I ask my clients what their greatest challenges are, they are MUCH quicker at listing those, of course. But when I ask how they came up with that list, they again say "That's what my boss or spouse or teacher has said about me."
This made me think... Where do you get your opinions about you?
Please take some time to think about that. It's really important because here's what I discovered... Most of my life I listened to the opinions that others had about me and those opinions became my opinions of me. To be open with you, here were some of the comments: "Traci's pretty smart, but she's not a good speaker." "Traci's a good athlete, but has a bad attitude." "Traci is too emotional - a big baby - and laughs too loud." "Traci is tactless." "If Traci goes to that school and majors in Physical Education, she'll end up being a dumb jock." These were all said to me when I was a kid by adults whom I respected.
For years, no, for decades, those opinions from others were my reality. But the truth is: the stories that other people tell you are NOT facts!! They are opinions and perspectives. Their opinions and perceptions are based on their LIMITED views and understanding. When you choose to allow their opinions to become your reality, it's YOUR fault.
Stories You've been Told
One of my clients has a boss that believes (and tells her) that "You are only as good as your worst mistake." Wow, that's pretty harsh and also sad, but it is the perception of her supervisor. At first, I don't think that she believed this statement, but as it was repeated over and over, she allowed it to control her behaviors, actions and decisions. Normally, she loved trying new things and inspiring change. Now she was afraid of messing up and being characterized and known for her mistakes.
 As time passed and she, of course, still had to report to her boss, she would receive negative comments from him. His "stories" about her performance were usually unfavorable. He perceived the world through pessimistic lenses. When my client would go into see her boss I imagined that he had a few valuable or worthwhile suggestions and comments, but he also had a lot of comments that were worthless to her. I asked her why she left the "$100 bills" in his office and choose to walk out carrying the turds. (Yes, I really said turds to my client.) You see when she heard a comment that had value I imagined it to be a hundred dollar bill and she could choose to receive it from him. Instead, she had been choosing to pick up his negative comments. These were just turds. (Sorry, if that word offends you. But it accurately depicts something that is not only worthless but really stinks - a great analogy in my mind.) Now, who wants to pick up and carry a turd around all day (or all week or all year)?
As we discussed this situation she realized that:
Someone's temporary opinion of you does NOT have to be your permanent reality!!
How often does this happen to you? Are you in the habit of picking up the turds that others set out before you? When you go in to talk to your boss (maybe even your spouse) or receive your performance review, do you hear and pick up the good things that are said ? Or, do you simply look at the negative comments and what you're not good at?
Do you realize that you are at CHOICE?
You, and only you, get to determine whether or not someone else's opinion of you becomes your reality!
Writing Your Own Stories
It's November and the holiday season is fast approaching. Here in America we will be celebrating Thanksgiving in just a few weeks. While many of us will take time to be thankful for the things that we have, I'd like to encourage you to be thankful for the person YOU are. You are unique, priceless and irreplaceable! You have gifts and talents like no other human being on earth. Try the following steps to help you realize your potential to use your gifts and talents:
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Question Your Current Beliefs About You:
What worked in the past may not be working now. Take some time to look at your thoughts. Some are supporting your success while others are sabotaging you. Question them! Remember, you are NOT your thoughts and they aren't the boss of you (unless YOU allow them to be.)
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Develop Your Own Opinions and Perspectives: When you find that you are reiterating a belief that someone else told you, look into it. There are sooooo many rumors and myths that are believed to be true. For instance, where would you think the Battle of Bunker Hill took place? Wrong. It mostly took place on Breed's Hill in the Charleston section of Boston. Colonel Prescott was supposed to establish defensive positions on Bunker Hill according to orders from General Putnam. But Prescott didn't make it there. The resulting conflict was called the Battle of Bunker Hill because that is where Prescott originally intended—and was ordered—to build the fortifications. Question the "facts" and come to your own conclusions!
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Don't Pick Up the Turds: If someone is giving you advice or feedback, analyze each part by asking yourself the question "Does that (or would that) ADD value to my life or the lives of others?" It's pretty simple. If the answer is "Yes', pick up the advice. Don't jump to any emotional conclusions; just seek out the value. If you don't find the value, then it's probably something stinky and worthless that you don't want to take with you.
CAUTION: When you don't value the advice, opinion or perspective of another, be sure that you don't DEVALUE them as a person. Remember that their perceptions are based on their experiences, many of which you have no knowledge of. Be sure that your mind doesn't tell you "They're stupid." or say "What an idiot!" That also adds no value. Besides, they, like you, are an infinitely valuable, unique, priceless and irreplaceable human being.
- Understand, Multiply (and be thankful for) Your Strengths:
By questioning other's perspectives and looking for the value, you will be better equipped to understand YOU. You will be able to look for the value that YOU bring. Once you find that, strengthen that strength. (I help people to do this every day and they are amazed at how quickly they can change something that they've wanted to change for decades when they take this approach.)
Og Mandino writes:
"Today I will multiply my value a hundredfold.
"A mulberry leaf touched with the genius of man becomes silk.
"A field of clay touched with the genius of man becomes a castle.
"A cypress tree touched with the genius of man becomes a shrine.
"A cut of sheep's hair touched with the genius of man becomes raiment for a king.
"If it is possible for leaves and clay and wood and hair to have their value multiplied a hundred, yea a thousandfold by man, cannot I do the same with the clay which bears my name?"
You see, I am thankful that I learned to choose my own beliefs. There are many other people who are thankful that I did as well. Through my work, I am able to speak to thousands of people every year. I am blessed to have some approach me and say that my words and stories made a positive difference in their life. I'm not saying this to toot my own horn. I'm saying this because someone with "a bad attitude", who "couldn't control her emotions", and who was "a terrible public speaker" shouldn't be able to have this kind of impact. By choosing not to live the life that others paint for you, you too can multiply your value a hundredfold, yea a thousandfold.
[fname], you can change your life (and maybe even the lives of others) by being selective and being "at choice" when it comes to the stories that THEY tell you. Choose to believe those that add value to your life and leave the turds behind. Remember: Someone's opinion of you does NOT have to be your reality!!
Og concludes Scroll 8 of The Greatest Salesman in the World (©1968) by saying:
"Today I will multiply my value a hundredfold.
"And when it is done I will do it again, and again, and there will be astonishment and wonder at my greatness..."
I can't wait for you to see the greatness that you bring to the world!
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