The Perfection Prison
Last month I wrote about Overcoming Indecision. If you've read it, you've learned how to watch out for the traps and some keys to making good decisions. As I asked others what gets in the way of them actually making decisions, one of the overwhelming responses is fear. As I probed a little deeper, I found out that the fear is often caused by perfection.
Many people overvalue the idea of perfection which causes them to devalue reality. The idea ends up having more value in their minds than actually creating and engaging in life. Instead of improving life, perfection creates a prison.
The Perfection Prison
So what does this perfection prison look like? Well, it only exists in your mind and it can be a major obstacle to your joy and happiness. The retaining bars of your prison are NOT real - they only appear real in your imagination. The bars of your prison may be created by:
- Rejecting Failure = refusing to recognize a positive side to failure. For you perfectionists, your initial reaction to that last statement may be disbelief. What good can come of failure? Well, according to neuroscientists a great deal of good can come from failure because our mind is really good at detecting 'errors'. That is how it creates new thoughts and neuropathways. You need failures to help your brain succeed.
- Rejecting Success = refusing to "lower" your standards of perfection. The pursuit of perfection requires high standards and yet as the perfectionist approaches a high standard they immediately reset to even higher standards thus never celebrating success (which is also good for the brain.)
- Rejecting Painful Emotions = Pain equals not perfect in the mind of the perfectionist. Happiness is the perfectionist's goal and negative emotions fall short of that goal so these are avoided at all costs.
- Rejecting Positive Emotions = by consistently and constantly setting goals that will never be reached, the perfectionist, by default, has little to celebrate. Realistically, when will your performance be perfect? Can't you always find something to improve? So, when will perfection be reached? Never.
- Rejecting the full experience of life = Life is flawed in the perfectionists mind. Perfection locks you into one specific outcome. The perfectionist spends much time living in their imagination and their "what if" world, missing out on the experience and journey of life.
All of this leads to fear (Fully Engaged in Avoiding Reality).
What is Perfection?
Let's take a closer look at perfection from a number of perspectives...
Axiologically, perfection falls into the systemic category or the lowest axiological class of value. It is an idea, a concept that only exists in the mind or imagination of a human being. What is "perfect" to one person may not be "perfect" to another.
The definition of perfection is imperfect. In most of the definitions on dictionary.com, the world 'perfect' is used to define perfection. When you look up perfect, you find:
- conforming absolutely to the description or definition of an ideal type
- entirely without any flaws, defects, or shortcomings
- excellent or complete beyond practical or theoretical improvement
So, when will a human being ever be "ideal" or "without flaws" or "beyond improvement"? NEVER!
Logically, perfection is imperfect. As my mentor, Harvey Schoof says "Perfection is the unrelenting, unyielding pursuit of the unachievable." Perfection isn't real. It's purely imaginary.
The Impact of Perfection
Devaluing People
Neuroscience tells us that systemic thoughts occur in the back or 'old' part of the brain. This is in the same area as the amygdala. The amygdala is the prehistoric part of your brain that developed to help you in times of danger. It's the fight, flight, or freeze mechanism that shuts down your conscious thoughts when it recognizes an 'error' and redirects hormones and energy to your muscles so that you can react quickly to save yourself.
How does this impact you? Well, if your mind overvalues perfection, it will believe that its idea is more valuable than reality. When reality differs from your imagination, it detects an 'error' in reality and causes the fight-flight-freeze response. This shuts down your logical, rational thinking brain and redirects energy to your reactionary systems.
You have probably seen this misalignment of value or valuing habits in your everyday life. Your Core Values will tell you that people are more important than thoughts or ideas and axiology proves that mathematically. Yet, how many times do you see a parent berating a child who has made a minor mistake? As I umpire Little League baseball games, I see it all the time. A 10 year-old child makes a mistake running the bases and the manager (usually their dad or man in his late 30's or 40's) gets in the child's face and tells him how stupid he is or how he can't do the simplest task. You see, the idea of how the child SHOULD HAVE performed ends up being more important than the child, at that moment.
Misalignment, or as it's called in axiology, this transposition of value, causes a great deal of stress in the lives of people every day. (And it may be causing some children to develop debilitating perfectionistic tendencies as well.)
Devaluing Yourself
Some people say that they use perfection to provide them with motivation to achieve more than they would otherwise achieve. They hold this idea in front of them so that they are continuously striving and pushing themselves. That is very logical if goals are reachable, but perfection isn't possible.
The habit that you, the perfectionist, are inadvertently creating is that you are valuing 'perfection', something that is systemic, over things that are extrinsic or even intrinsic. You are creating valuing habits that aren't aligned with your Core Values.
Let's look at this logically. What happens if you "lower your standards" and, say, instead of shooting for the stars, you aim first for the clouds. When you reach the clouds, what will happen?
- You could celebrate your success and achievements (and set up your brain for further success.)
- You could set another goal that takes you further beyond the clouds towards the stars.
- You could reset your goals from your new perspective as you look around from the clouds. I mean, what if the clouds give you nosebleeds and as you look down you find wonderment in the oceans?
Perfection keeps you locked up or locked in on a path and doesn't allow you - the real YOU - to change your mind or make better decisions from your new perspective because it values the idea above your experience.
So, when does perfection ADD VALUE to your life? When will you achieve it?
I believe perfection isn't something to strive for; it is your enemy. It doesn't get you closer to your dreams; it drives a wedge between you and your dreams. Focusing on perfection doesn't give us positive emotions. It causes fear, frustration, guilt, discouragement, disillusion, anger, and hesitancy.
Strive for Excellence
So, are you just supposed to "lower your standards?" I'd ask you in return - do you want to advance toward your goals AND experience joy? Then, the answer to your question is YES! Lower your standards. Ok, don't stop reading - I haven't lost it. Let me explain.
Instead of shooting for perfection (i.e. standards that can never be met), shoot for excellence (standards that are beyond where you are now but can be reached). You can always select another standard after you achieve the one you are currently pursuing.
Excellence doesn't cause you to lower your standards. It helps you to map out the steps to achieve your goals while allowing you to be human... allowing you to be flexible... allowing you to celebrate being the unique, priceless and irreplaceable person that you are.
Become an EXCELerator
Instead of being a perfectionist, become an EXCELerator. Choose to throw away or discard your perfectionistic thoughts. These thoughts and standards don't add value to your life.
Choose to escape the Perfection Prison by...
- Pursuing Excellence. To excel means to surpass or outdo. It comes for the Latin word excellare which means "to rise, surpass, be eminent." Remember, it's the journey that produces the results.
- Compete against yourself. Many people try to 'excel' past others. I want to encourage you to focus on surpassing the you of yesterday. As Og Mandino writes "I will climb today's mountain to the utmost of my ability yet tomorrow I will climb higher than today, and the next will be higher than tomorrow. To surpass the deeds of others is unimportant; to surpass my own deeds is all."
- Focus on YOUR Strengths. Strive to be your best. Appreciate the value in hard work and failure. Failure will show you areas of weaknesses and STRENGTH. It is your strengths that provide the foundation for your growth. Focus on what you're good at and what you like to do.
- Act! Remember that fear (unless you're in physical danger) is not real. Another quote from Og is, "Now I know that to conquer fear I must always act without hesitation and the flutters in my heart will vanish." When you focus on your strength, acting without fear is much easier.
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